So Charlie Sheen thinks he's a Warlock? Okay, sure.Let's go with it. The question is which one? Be sure to check out Top 5 Gaming: Greatest Warlocks on Metacafe.
I mean I'm guessing he's so far gone that he thinks he's probably a PARTICULAR Warlock, and my other guess, it's probably one from Video Games. So here's a little list I pulled together out of some of the possible contenders. So just sit back and enjoy the show!
Oh by the way, you know what's a weird thing to define - Warlocks. Here's the best definition I could figure out: A) Warlocks are Men and Men alone, B) They're somewhere on the magical power level of witches and wizards, but probably not as strong as a sorcerer, and C) Usually their magic comes from some sort of inherently evil source, like demons or soul-sucking. Also, Necromancer overrides Warlock in my opinion, it's sort of a specialization, like a spellcasting brain surgeon, so no pure Necromancers should be on this list.
http://www.ranker.com/list/9-greatest-warlocks-in-video-game-history/adamthomas,
1. Ganondorf Dragmire (Legend of Zelda)
I'll tell you who is:
Ganondorf F*cking Dragmire.
Also Known as the "King of Evil". Like Charlie, he sure does he know how to live like a king.
Originally a leader of a band of Gerudo desert thieves, and a dark warlock who sought eternal power. But unlike most other would be dominators, he actually got it! If that's not a testament to winning, what the hell is?
Oh and let's look at the facts shall we? He has the ability to create phantoms of himself, each fully capable of murderousness. He rides around on black steeds and through magical paintings because he knows he damn well can. He can turn into gigantic boar monsters when he really wants to show off. He knows how to wield all sorts of weapons, from two-handed greatswords, twin blades, the standard longsword, and tridents made of pure malevolence. He's totally willing to smack little kids around, and has commanded armies of everything from dragons, giant eagles, skeletons and lizardmen. He's even a rather decent organ player.
Oh and he can cure death - WITH HIS MIND!
How else do you explain the fact that no matter how many times Link, or well, ANYONE kills him, he just sort of says,"Naw, bro. That's not how I roll." then brings himself back to life, or breaks a mystic seal that no one else could even attempt to get out of and comes back into the world, before laughing like the maniacal badass he is.
Ganondorf don't take sh*t from any elf-boy.
Sure he's got a couple of glaring weaknesses, but who doesn't? The sheer fact that he keeps coming back from near oblivion over and over again is in his favor. Or how about the fact that when he dies, he does it standing up - like a man ought to:
Oh and let's not forget one other little thing. Ganondorf is a Gerudo, and Gerudo are an almost all female race that literally have to kidnap and rape other men to procreate, except once every hundred years when a man is born unto them. Ganondorf is that man, and he must have been awash in Gerudo poon from the day he was born.
This guy definitely is another contender for making Hugh Hefner look like an amateur with a list of conquests that probably reads "everyone in my damn country. Period."
That my friends, is the look of someone who knows he's getting some whenever the hell he damn wants. Ladies?
For definitely not being a guy with "Sheenis envy", probably constantly banging ladies AND whatever rocks he wants to, rising from his own grave because he's bored, I have to say he's the only real choice here.
Yeah I'm sure about this. Charlie Sheen thinks he's Ganondorf F*cking Dragmire.
And yes, his name DOES have to be in bold every time it's fully pronounced. And yes, his middle name is "f*cking".
Ignition. Liftoff. BOOM!
5. Magus (Chrono Trigger)
So is Magus a Warlock or just you know, a magi like his name suggests?
Well I'm obviously siding with 'lock or I wouldn't put him on this list, but since he originally learned magic like all residents of Zeal, from siphoning it off of the great subterranean horror Lavos, I'm going to say he technically qualifies.
So what makes him as awesome as an F-18, bro?
Well first off, he wields a scythe in battle and yeah, that's just cool. He hangs out with middle ages monsters Ozzie, Slash, and Flea, so he's obviously in a heavy metal band. He turned some stupid squire named Glenn into a walking, talking toad, and he's trying to summon aforementioned lovecraftian horror Lavos into the world, just so he can slay him by himself!
Plus he has blue hair!
Gotta have blue hair.
So yeah, he's definitely a contender. Until you realize that deep down, Magus is just a traumatized widdle boy forever haunted by his sister's apparent death.
Great, angst. That kind of kills the sense of winning doesn't it?
Sheen is above such nonsense, duh. After all, he's tired of pretending he's not a total rockstar from mars, and Magus here despite probably BEING a rockstar, would rather have his "family" back. What a loser. Just deal with it.
Of course a bunch of gothy angst does usually lead to cool art like the following portrait:
3. Shang Tsung (Mortal Kombat)
I'm pretty sure ol 'Tsungy here needs little introduction.
He's a master spell caster who just loves to suck souls, change shape, and originally hosted the Mortal Kombat tournament with his four-armed giant pal Goro. but then he just got bored and said screw it, I'm in it to win it, and just started joining the damn tournament himself! If that's not a recipe of someone addicted to winning, I don't know what is.
He even teamed up with another wizard gone wild, Quan Chi to kill the hero of the entire series, Liu Kang!
Oh, and he comes in two basic flavors:
Old man! A.K.A. Original Hickory Smoked flavor.
And ambiguously gay! A.K.A. Honey-Mesquite grilled.
Plus, doesn't young Shang there kind of just look like Sheen a little bit? At least back in his "Gordan Freeman" Arrival period? If Sheen was just a bit more asian, he might fit the bill.
But Charlie brings violent torpedoes of truth to the table - Tsung here's too much of a shape shifting deceiver. That's the main thing holding him back, other than that, he'd be as golden as the dragon statues that adorn the Tsung's arenas.
Oh and I'm pretty sure your soul is his . . . or something.
8. Saradin (Ogre Battle)
Saradin's one of the only good guys on the list . . . so I'm thinking he probably fails the Sheen test.
That's kind of like a screen test, only it involves a more hookers and blow (of every kind you can imagine), but I digress.
Now he's got a pretty standard "wise old wizard" look going on . . .
. . . definitely the mark of a goody two shoes do-gooder good guy. . . . good.
But he didn't start out as the nancy boy you might think:
In the original Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen (all games that are references to multiple Queen songs are EPIC WINS by the way) on the SNES. Saradin started on the side of the devils, working under the evil Wizard Rashidi, who was pretty much the big bad of the entire series, but we'll never truly find out as it's never going to happen since the series creator up and quit on us. This is probably why he's considered a Warlock and all.
But then you go through some bullsh*t, and get him on your side to overthrow the eponymous Black Queen. However, Saradin is cool enough to show up in both Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber, as one of the Zenobian Rebels, AND briefly in Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together, recently just re-released (heh "re-re") on the PSP. So he's obviously an important cat in this tiny strategy RPG series that most of history has forgotten - but hey I'm not a bitter fan or anything . . .
Still, he turns out to be noble "on the inside". What the hell kind of nature is that for a frigging Warlock?
Also he looks too much like Gandalf, so there's no way Sheen thinks he's this guy- I mean come on, old age is as much for suckers as death is. As he has to limit himself to the standard "fighting for the people" cliche, we'll take a pass on old Sara here, and try for some evil Warlocks as unbound by all that noise as Sheen is unbound in the ol' noggin.
7. Gul'Dan (Warcraft)
One of the tougher parts on this list was actually thinking of Warlocks that AREN'T from Warcraft. I mean the series has the market cornered on these guys, what with them being units you could build in the old RTS games, and a playable class in WoW. But I don't care how epic your WoW 'Lock is, it's just not as epic as any of the actual named ones from the series roots.
Like Gul'Dan here...
This dude created the horde.
That's right, you heard me. The whole army of bloodthirsty, rage-driven Orc and Ogres? He banded them together and led them to invade Azeroth way back when in the original Warcraft. His list of awesome villainy is pretty superb, tricking and conniving his own people into needless wars, raiding the minds or sorcerers, and summoning various demons and devils to his cause of limitless power and godhood.
Yeah he's a badass.
So baddass in fact that when he was finally ripped to shreds by a host of demons, his skull was still able to be used as a weapon, and he would corrupt any who held it . . . while dead!
It looks like someone's face was melted off . . . though I wonder how many children wept over his exploded body?
But let's be honest here, Sheen's a pretty boy actor, and while there's no doubt of Gul'Dan's might, he's still an ugly old orc. I just don't see how he could envision himself as this particular Warlock,as the last vestige of Gul'Dan, his skull is eventually destroyed by some blind night-elf!
Destroyed by a blind guy? That's just not enough bi-winning for Charlie!
2. Archimonde (Warcraft 3)
So if you've played World of Warcraft, you've probably been to Dalaran right? You know, the whole floating Wizard utopia, where Azeroth's mightiest sorcerers and witches like to hang out and play parcheesi? The one that seems a veritable fortress of magical power?
Archimonde destroyed it. Casually. Playing with sand.
Like the big old beach bully of the wizarding world that he is.
Hell, is rap-sheet of magical villainy dwarfs Gul'Dan's and is second to only to his Master Kil'Jaeden's. He leads armies of burning demons, destroys some of the most powerful beings on the world when they fail him, and turns himself into a giant that rivals Godzilla, the King of the Monsters. By the conclusion of Warcraft 3 he ends up becoming a final boss that takes 3 full allied ARMIES to not even defeat, just hold off long enough for a last ditch "damned if you do, damned if you don't" strategem to work.
Oh and Kil'Jaeden's not on the list only because, while a Warlock, he's ALSO a demonlord, and I kind of feel that overrides the 'lockiness a bit. After all, when you already ARE a demon, where else do you really go from there?
Archimonde's only real failing actually, is the stratagem used to defeat hm: he was downed by exploding fuzzy marshmellow spirits called wisps.
LAME.
While hope may be for "suckers and tools", Archimonde's hopes and dreams were dashed by a bunch of tree-hugging faerie ghosts! How much more humiliating can defeat be? Especially since defeat is not an option here!
Sorry Archie, you're just not quite the Warlock we're looking for.
6. Gal Agiese (Magician Lord)
OK, so here's one I think might actually be a contender. Gal Agiese is definitely full of tiger blood AND Adonis DNA.
Why? Well how about the fact that this guy, the main villain from the old side-scrolling SNK action-platformer Magician Lord, makes sure that before every boss battle, he teleports onto the scene, floats there, and insults or challenges the main character, and then hightails it! Why? He's got sh*t to do! Like going back to his pleasure palace and sleeping with a bevy of goddesses.
That's right, for most of the game, this guy uses all of the hideously evil black magic that I'm sure took lifetimes to obtain, just to be a dick to you!
That's amazing!
Plus a bunch of his lines are obvious precursors to what Sheen's "complex" brain is misfiring today, stuff like:
"That power is powerless in our presence."
and
"You persistent guy. But your life ends right now."
or
"You are very dangerous. Be dead down here."
plus
"Come on nice guy! But your life is mine very soon."
Just watch the video for some of the amazing, Birdemic level line reading.
Having spent so many years performing magic then forgetting about it the next day, Gal also apparently forgot how to string two sentences together without embarrassing himself.
Hmm, appearing out of nowhere to spout nonsense and then disappearing . . . only to reappear a bit later and spout more nonsense?
Yeah, that's pretty close to someone currently stealing media attention whose name rhymes with Barley Keen in his "Screw Grace, I'm outta here!" campaign.
In fact, Gal here might actually be the inspiration for it! He's definitely batting over 1000 percent on craziness!
4. Ammon Jerro (Neverwinter Nights 2)
Hot damn Ammon Jerro is badass. Even if he's basically a good guy who would never bang 7 gram rocks, he's been on that edge of darkness that only the coolest amongst us can ride. So just deal with it.
He's traveled among the planes enslaving various powerful demons to his will, keeping them bound in a haven that he can only enter by bleeding on the door. Yeah, that's right, no fruity password for some midget to figure out later- straight up blood needs to be poured to get in. That's pretty effing metal.
He fought a veritable King of Shadows to a standstill until his goddamn sword exploded. Yeah, that's another point in "metal as f*ck".
He spent years being tortured in hell only to GTFO later and kill his own freaking grand-daughter! Even if he kind of felt bad about that last bit.
Plus even though he's old, he has a crazy kickass magic face tattoo:
... and it glows in the dark!
But that's when he's an old-timer! Check him out when he was in his prime:
THAT is a man who drops bombs of spiritual justice!
Or at least was. The whole "feeling emotions" that aren't part of Gnarly Gnarlington's vocab, like "remorse" once he kinda sorta killed the last of his bloodline is what prevents him from possibly being the only Warlock epic enough to be the drug that Charlie Sheen is addicted to . . . Charlie Sheen!
9. The Lord of Shadowgate (ShadowGate)
Ever play Shadowgate on the NES (or any of the original systems it appeared on)? If not consider yourself lucky, and a far less frustrated individual than myself.
Very early on in the game you hear a voice that informs you that the "only thing you will find here is a horrible death!"
He's not lying.
This is probably the most seen screen in the whole game.
Everything fricking kills you in this game! Floors collapse, Dragons burn you into cinders, sharks gnaw on you sensitive parts, slime dissolves you into so much flesh-stew, and your skull is crushed by a cyclops who probably proceeds to use it for some sort of horrible unsanitary purpose.
It's pure trial-and-error madness death, and the Lord of the place, an unnamed Warlock is at the heart of it.
He's a bitched for making myself and many others have to endure such a masochistic parade of doom . . . but on the other hand, he's also pretty much a non-character. I mean sure he's got a cool trap-filled castle, and is able of summoning a behemoth and shooting deathrays out of his staff . . . but he doesn't even have a name!
Or maybe he does, but it's something really lame like Percy, or Jermaine, or, like Melvin. Melvin the Warlock?! Yeah a moniker like that would probably turn most of us to the dark arts bent on world domination too.
So while a kickass pad definitely fits within Sheen's, erm, mindset, the most likely crappy name would kill it for our resident Vatican Assassin-
-that's just not how he rolls.