Ladies: you're pregnant. Congratulations. That said, let's talk about the stuff you're going to be sharing for the next eight months that your friends absolutely cannot stand but are too polite to tell you. Things like, "if I see another sonogram I'm going to puke," and "Really? Are you really posting a picture of your afterbirth on Facebook?" Does this sound extreme and/or bizarre to you? It should!
There are a lot of things your friends on Facebook are seeing repeatedly that they are silently sick of and pregnancy updates are high on that list (along with workout schedules, whining about school, and dieting woes, among others). If you've ever looked at the feed on your social media and felt overwhelmed with hatred for the people posting the 17th update of the day regarding their third month (excuse me, excuse me: 15th WEEK) of pregnancy, this list is your chance to vote for the things that annoy you in the hopes that some of your friends and mine will get the hint and keep the water birth albums private in the future.
http://www.ranker.com/list/pregnant-women-friends-talking-behind-your-back/samantha-dillinger,
The Dirty Diaper Game Is Nasty
We will come to your baby shower, we will bring you baby clothes that the kid will wear twice, and we will make every attempt not to drink in your presence during the affair (or at least try hard to keep the flasking on the DL). But for GOD'S SAKE, stop melting candy bars in diapers and making us guess what's in them. If I want to see something that looks like poop, I'll go for Indian food.
The Plaster Cast of Your Stomach Is Weird
What are you going to do with that thing? Serve chips and dips out of it at your Super Bowl party? And where do you store it? Fat people don't make plaster casts of their stomachs before they go on a diet. You think you're better than fat people?? Racist.
This Is Not the Time to Ask Your Single Friends When They'll Start Having Kids
There are two reasons your childless friends don't have kids: they don't want them, or they can't have them. Don't torture your friends by making them give you some BS answer while they try to work around your crazy hormonal outbursts.
Weeks As a Unit of Measurement Means Nothing to Anybody Who's Not Pregnant
You're allowed to use weeks at the beginning and end of the pregnancy.
"How far along are you?"
- Six weeks! Just came from the doctor's office.
OK!
"How long 'til you're due?"
- Two weeks; I feel like I'm about to pop.
OK!
"Oh wow, you're barely showing. How long have you been pregnant?"
- 23 weeks.
NOT OKAY!
You probably know, from reading a litany of baby books and blogs and sh*t that 23 weeks is some magical number that means the baby isn't trying to eat the lining of your placenta anymore or something, but it doesn't mean anything to anyone else. So just say you're five months pregnant and carry on.
You Don't Fit In Your Clothes...Shocker
YOU HAVE ANOTHER PERSON GROWING IN YOU! OF COURSE YOUR DAMN PANTS DON'T FIT. This is not front page news.
The 'My Baby Is As Big As A' Posts
So your baby's the size of an orange this week, is it? Do you have an orange that you want to give me? No? Then I don't care.
One Sonogram Is Enough
Unless your baby is flipping the bird or showing signs of having a Guinness Record breaking weiner, one shot of your blob is plenty.
Your Baby Is Not You; Keep It Off Your Profile Picture
Seriously. Babies don't look like anybody when they come out... except every other baby, maybe. It is not a good way to identify the person who's changed their last name since you first met them.
You're Huge, We Get It. You Don't Have to Post Naked Pictures to Prove It
You being naked is what made that baby in the first place and you wouldn't post THOSE pictures to social media, would you? Probably not. So keep that belly under wraps online.
We Don't Want to Hear About Your Water Birth (And We ESPECIALLY Don't Want to See It)
Unless you LITERALLY grew up on a farm, everything about the actual birthing process is gross. We don't care about your natural choices or the feelings you want the baby to experience. Call us when your vagina's sewn back up (but without talking about the sewing process and ABSOLUTELY no pictures).